Rehab, Rowing & Reminiscing

Hello all, i’m back again! Like many others I have been struggling with motivation during lock down. So it seemed fitting to talk about it and how it has fluctuated throughout my sporting career. From initially starting rowing as a 16 year old, through the early stages, during university, through injury and recently in lock down, from now 23 year old Grace’s perspective. 

The early days…

My motivation to start rowing was to win things. It wasn’t because I necessarily loved it (or was actually any good at it to be honest)! It took a long time to be reasonably competent in a boat, and even then you wouldn’t look at me and see tonnes of potential. I was lucky, I was in the right place at the right time I guess, being put in a double scull with another girl at Bewl – Georgie. She was a year younger than me, but so many years ahead in rowing terms. I owe her so much of the early rowing successes, as i’m pretty sure she pulled more than half the boat along! Nevertheless, I think we were good for each other and the special bond you create when in a boat with just one other person builds a partnership that can never be broken.

Starting rowing I was set on becoming a ‘START’ athlete. British Rowing’s talent ID system which selects new rowers who have the right physical attributes to be moulded into olympians further down the line. I tried so hard to get onto this programme, but never actually got tested. Looking back this was probably a blessing in disguise, because I don’t think my love for the sport would have blossomed if I had started training in such a result driven system so early on. 

So as you can gather my motivation during the early days was purely based on my competitiveness. But also because i wanted to be the girl at school (state school i must add) who did sport at a high level. I also wanted to do a sport that no one else did and which would provide me with clear pathways to success. Generally the harder you work, the better your results will be with rowing. My determined nature thrived from this, but I also found it challenging not coming from an endurance background with no real base fitness behind me – I thought I was fit, until I started rowing. 

University

Moving to Oxford Brookes University aged 18, my motivation was still about success – how I could get fitter and stronger. I knew I had to go to the best place I could to help further my progress. Oxford Brookes in 2015 won the senior women’s 8+ at Henley Women’s Regatta and I watched it happen from my boat (as Georgie and I also made the final that year and raced just before the Brookes 8+). Their result and celebrations confirmed to me that i had made a decision not only to go to a high performing club, but also to join what looked like an amazing squad of people. 

I was so excited to join in the coming september, but was daunted by the prospect of being bottom of the pack. I had a summer job that year washing up at a catering company of my mum and dads friends. It was a hot summer, I remember sweating so much next to the industrial dishwashers, but every day after work I would come home and row on my ergo, the fans on full blast and windows wide open. My attempt to increase fitness, so i could join Brookes and be in with a shot. I was extremely motivated by having to prove my worth, which is something that has always driven me. 

The influx of new students that year was huge, maybe the biggest the Women’s squad had ever seen. I was looking around me and seeing all these names I had previously seen on results from junior racing days and thinking ‘wow this is going to be tough’. Blissfully unaware of the athletes already established within the team. But I can honestly say joining that year was the best decision I ever made. Brookes is an incredibly competitive atmosphere to train within, (with every stroke in the boat being monitored via telemetry, numbers in the gym put up on a whiteboard and everyone trying to be their best every session) but it’s also a family where I made some of my best friends. The atmosphere was exhilarating and I moulded from mediocre junior rower into a university athlete quickly. Within 6 weeks of joining I somehow bagged myself a seat in the 1st 8+ for the British Rowing Senior Championships. 

I remember scrolling through entries on my phone and being blown away to see my name in the ‘A’ boat next to names such as Olivia Carnegie-Brown (who went on to win a silver medal later in the season at the Rio De Janeiro 2016 Olympics). As well as the rest of the crew who had numerous GB U23 accolades to their name. I was pulled across the line to a Bronze Medal. My motivation to retain my seat for the rest of the season was sky-high. I could continue to describe the rest of the season as it was probably the best I ever had, but in years 2,3 and 4 at Brookes my motivation changed completely.

Year 2

In 2nd year, as previously described in my first blog, I spent the majority of the season in a pair with my partner Sophia. At the start of the year we went to the GB Rowing Teams first assessment in Boston (Lincolnshire) and came last. Dead last. Enough to kill anyones motivation after months of strenuous training in the run up. But instead it did the opposite for me. I started analysing literally everything – Our time wasn’t actually that slow, (about 5 or 6 seconds between us and 2nd/3rd place over 5km) and we rowed pretty terribly in the fast paced tail-wind conditions. So my confidence actually increased along with my motivation. I was driven to make gains at the next trials in 2 ½ months, and that we did, climbing several places by now starting to row effectively as a unit. 

I’ve always been the sort of person that turns failure into something that drives me. Most of the time this is actually fuelled by anger or a feeling of injustice. I tend not to stop until I feel I have a true representation of the result I’m capable of. And this mentality really carried me through the 2016/17 season. 

After that 2nd set of GB trials we were invited as a pair to ‘Final Trials’ in April 2017 – a regatta like format where you race against everyone (U-23s, aspiring seniors and senior GB athletes). What an opportunity we had bagged ourselves! We finished 3rd U-23 W2- and 9th overall – Not bad from a boat that had come last in November. 

Seat racing followed, which is a means to test athletes singularly in a crew boat. You complete numerous races in a day with people being swapped between boats (which is meant to show who is actually moving the boat and give individual rankings). It’s a bit of a political party if you ask me, most of the time coaches already know who they want in selected crews. And that was clear to me after my first experience of this. After a sweltering weekend of seat racing with varied results in my boat, but mostly towards the bottom end of the rankings I finally got switched boats, (from one that had just won to one that had just come last) so of course now i needed to pull my finger out and win, to show i was the person making that boat move. We crossed the line with clear water. 

It seems all sunshine and roses, but I wasn’t even going to get a race to show my ability until my coach kicked up a fuss. So my motivation quickly turned to proving a point. I guess it worked in the end, and I’m pleased i found this part of myself, because i always performed the best and reached heights I didn’t even know i was capable of when i was angry or trying to prove something. However, this side of my personality and motivation was less helpful when injury struck.

Injury

Injury struck in the January of my 3rd year at Brookes. I went through the classic, denial, anger, frustration, bargaining, acceptance model time and time over. It was an emotional roller coaster but my motivation seemed to stay at an all-time high. Watching everyone around me literally live and breath rowing was tormenting, but i got on with it and made sure i was training as hard on the bike and doing lots of upper body conditioning. The physios were great, creating new and innovative plans to get me back to rowing numerous times, but nothing hugely worked for a long time – When the people you trust most can’t seem to figure you out, that sinking feeling in your stomach comes out to play. But they never stopped trying and i am so thankful for that, but it was difficult trying new things for so long. I would get excited about the prospect of something new working, and then come back down to earth again when it didn’t make much difference a few weeks later. 

My motivation to train still remained high. I overdid it if I’m honest and just made things worse. But it’s hard when you feel like things are slowly slipping away from you. I was scared of losing my fitness, losing all the work I had put in for so many years. And not being able to trial, whilst watching my pairs partner Sophia get in a boat with someone else – that was a hard pill to swallow. But watching her get selected as the stroke seat of the GB U23 8+ for the world championships that year, all i felt was incredibly proud. After feeling awful about getting injured and leaving her without a stable foundation to compete within, I was relieved that at least half of us had achieved what we set out to do. 

As injury progressed and there was no clear path back to rowing my motivation to train and rehab kind of turned into holding on for dear life. The pain at this stage was another obstacle, and it got to the point where i was just happy to be able to live a normal lifestyle again – if that meant not rowing but being pain free i was okay with that. I couldn’t do the normal stuff a 21/22 year old girl would be doing without what felt like being punished for it. I would go shopping with friends, walk to uni, go on nights out, go to concerts, you know the normal stuff. But when i woke up the next morning i could hardly move (and the motivation to even get out of bed when you feel like that is horrendous). I had to hype myself up to stand up and get dressed, because I knew physical pain would plague my day and emotional pain would top it off too, whilst still being in that rowing environment. 

My motivation for university also fluctuated. I found it really hard to focus on doing any work because i felt so emotionally drained from everything and couldn’t get comfortable in any position. Somehow I scraped through and it became easier to navigate once writing my dissertation on ‘The effects of personality on sports injury rehabilitation behaviours’. Something I was genuinely interested in since training with other injured people and analysing how they were dealing with the situation compared to me. So it was a tough time to stay motivated not just in a rowing capacity. 

When i stopped rowing, i felt liberated, like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. I was no longer asking my body to cash cheques it couldn’t afford. But my motivation to train in the gym and for the first time ‘look good’ rocketed. All of a sudden I was scared of losing my athlete identity. My motivation shifted towards aesthetics – a dangerous game when your body is injured. I was now hurting myself by training more and not having a coach or programme telling me what to do. This did get better once I knew I was going to have an operation, but my mindset turned into ‘ doesn’t matter how broken I get, i’m going to get fixed’ – a horrible cycle to be in. 

Post operation my motivation was high initially to do my rehab. But when i got to about 3-4 months post op and it felt worse than beforehand it dropped dramatically. I would go through weeks of not doing anything to try and make my body feel better, then feel terrified to try and train again because I knew I would become obsessed and reliant on it. However, with time things began to improve . And i did get better at not training so much! My physios always said it would take a year to recover from the operation, I reached the 1 year milestone and like a switch things dramatically improved. 

Lock down

The 1 year milestone happened in lock down along with many others. Although this has been a terrible time for many, it’s been a turning point for me. Having time to train at my own pace, fit in enough rehab, recovery and improve my relationship with food has allowed me to take huge steps forwards. At the start of lock down I was training a lot, doing 2-3 hours of cardio per day and 2-3 S&C sessions per week. I was extremely motivated to find out whether I could tolerate a rowing specific programme again. When I received the news I had been accepted onto a masters physiotherapy course in September several thoughts of returning to university rowing crossed my mind. So that helped keep the motivation to train high, although, i was scared about making decisions too quickly and my body taking a turn for the worse again – so my options are still very much open. 

Recently getting back on the water has been great. I am lucky to row in such a beautiful place down in Kent which helps a lot with the motivation to get out there. Bewl tends to have its own weather system, so when the weathers good you have to grab the opportunity and roll with it. I have been slacking a bit lately, and tend to feel guilty when i don’t go rowing when it’s nice. But variety is the spice of life, and mixing up training is needed to allow the body to keep progressing. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 

Getting back in a boat has also re-sparked my passion – especially being in a single scull. I used to hate singles, but throughout my injury I have felt more alone than ever. So I think that’s why I now love rowing alone. It’s almost like no-one else has experienced my individual journey, so i feel the need to do it on my own on the water too. I would love to race and achieve something in my single scull one day – My way of closing the chapter i guess.

Well hey! I’ve been meaning to get this onto paper for a while so here it goes! You’re probably wondering who is this girl and what is this all about? Well settle down. I’m about to try and give you a (very shortened) account of my sporting journey over the past 2 ½ years (January 2018- June 2020). 

Where this all began…

I’m a rower. But I’m not going to go into the details of how that got started. Because that is another long story. Since the age of 16 I picked up an oar and started my quest to become good at something. My goal was to represent my country after watching the 2012 Olympics… like many others (surprise, surprise). I rowed at Bewl Bridge in Kent where my family home is until the age of 18, when I moved to Oxford to start a degree at Oxford Brookes University in Sports Science. But if i’m entirely honest I was only going for the rowing!! Being one of the leading university rowing programmes in Europe it seemed like the best place to accelerate my progress. And that it did. 

University 

In my 1st year I basically learnt how to sweep, (row with one blade) having predominantly sculled as a junior athlete (one blade in each hand). Within the year I became a double British University Champion (BUCS) in the W8+ and W4-, later going on to win the European University Championships in the W8+ in Croatia (2016), and qualifying our boat for the prestigious Henley Royal Regatta in the process. Making history as the first full Brookes women’s 8+ to race at the regatta. I gained invaluable experience and made friends for life. 

My 2nd year at Brookes featured increased time in smaller sweep boats. And a shifted focus on trailing for the Great Britain Under-23 Team. At the start of the year I recognised having a shot at making the team was probably out of reach, but nevertheless I started trailing in a pair to gain experience for the following years. The trials and tribulations this season presented, I could write a book on, but again that is something for another time! To cut a long story short myself and pairs partner did make the team (by the skin of our teeth) and gained seats in the GB U-23 W8+ for the European U-23 Championships in Poland (September 2017). A long, hard and hot summer of training resulted in us becoming European bronze medallists. 

Returning to university 2 weeks later I was ready to tackle my 3rd year feeling refreshed. A good training block saw PB’s after PB’s and an invite to Sierra Nevada altitude camp with the GB U-23 and Development team. I was thrilled, a great camp to help me move on with my physiology, (which I desperately needed). I’ve never been an athlete with a huge ergo, and relied on my ability to make a boat move okay-ish, so this was a valuable opportunity for me.

The beginning of the end…

Sierra Nevada is notoriously known for being the hard camp that GB athletes go on. It’s purely land-based which means 3-4 sessions a day of ergo work, S&C, athleticism, swimming, team games, walks, the list goes on. I was tired pretty much every second I was awake, and the amount of calories consumed must have been ridiculous as I ended up putting on weight whilst training 4 times a day. However, I did survive and I actually really enjoyed the whole experience. 

I returned back to England and had a few days off to recover before heading back to join the squad at Brookes. I remember thinking I could survive any training they threw at me now I had got through that camp. I had learnt alot about training and myself in the process. And I was excited to bring that back into my everyday training environment. However, within 2 days back at Brookes I (unknowingly at the time) sustained a back injury, and the first injury of many in my saga over the past 2 ½ years. 

Injury time 

I was on the ergo and everything went stiff and solid – my body felt alien. I got off and tried to roll out the tightness, but nothing worked. I thought it would be ok in a few days so went on the bike , and took a trip to see the physio. 6 weeks later when nothing was progressing I was sent for an MRI scan, which confirmed an annular disc tear and slight bulge (L4-5), and a old bilateral pars fracture (L5/S1). Not great news, but not awful, given we are in March at this point so there was still hope for the upcoming season. 

By May nothing was any better, in fact it was worse. Spending 6 days a week on a bike and hammering the S&C movements I could do, I now had a further injury (left hip posterior labral tear) confirmed by a further MRI scan. Same old, back to rehab i went, smashing the physio sessions and doing everything i could to the best of my ability. I felt pretty helpless at this point with what felt like not enough guidance on the training I should have been doing. But it’s no good looking back and thinking ‘what if’.  Watching my friends and housemates train and compete was also now getting pretty hard, in fact I felt  sick most of the time, and didn’t realise how much a sport meant to me. 

In August 2018 I got referred to have a cortico-steroid injection in my hip joint. Finally things were moving! And I was attempting to following a ‘return to rowing’ programme the physios wrote me. My body still felt nowhere near ready for this, but I was desperate to get back to rowing, so gave it a go. At this point I had no idea how I’m feeling anymore. On the way home from the hospital I felt excited by the prospect that this might help me, but then I got a phone call from my coach explaining they were leaving next season. So excitement quickly turned to sadness and anxiety of having a new coach who wouldn’t know the full story. I felt increased pressure to prove myself, when my body was nowhere near capable of any rowing performance. Again, a very helpless feeling.

Return to rowing Pt 1 

A month later I returned to Brookes and slowly began integrating into the mainstream programme. Things were bumpy, but progress was happening, albeit slowly. Taking 1 step forwards and 2 back, did start to pay off and by Christmas (now nearly 1 year since the first injury trauma) I managed to complete a 2 km test, and get a PB! What is going on! I was the fastest I’ve ever been, yet still felt so broken. 

Inevitably after the high of the 2km there were major roadworks again. Back to the horrific pain I would feel every waking moment. And not being able to stand up for longer than 5 minutes without feeling like my whole body is twisted out of shape. Everything was a struggle and at this point my mental resilience was diminishing. But i’d been through so much, so i continued and 6-8 weeks later made it back in a boat again. I was at a good level for a few months until one session on the river where I felt the worst pain I have ever experienced.

Pain 

I couldn’t even support my own body weight in the boat (sitting down). I crawled onto the launch, and in my head pretty much made the decision that enough was enough. I was tired of living on a knife edge the whole time. I wanted it to stop, and I wanted to put my health first over a sport that had caused me so much physical and emotional pain for too long.

I wrote an email to everyone involved explaining how I was feeling and why I could no longer carry on. I felt relieved. Finally I had taken back control of the situation, which  I felt had control over me. I stopped rowing just like that, and hoped the pain would disappear. But surprise, surprise it just got worse. And finally after all of this i was referred to see a hip specialist (Bit late in my opinion). 2 weeks later i was under the knife and having my labral tear repaired. 

Pre and Post Operation 

It was a strange time pre-op because I strangely felt the best I had for a long time, and questioned my decision whether I really needed an operation or whether it was all just in my head. Thankfully, after the op the surgeon told me half the socket was unattached and it would have just continued to get worse if an intervention had not occurred. So that put my mind at ease slightly. 

The next 6 weeks were a bit of a blur. I managed better than I expected mentally, and was very patient in allowing my body to recover. But it was the normal life stuff that I still struggled coming to terms with not being able to do. Such as walking! As time progressed I became more and more down about the whole situation. And ended up becoming quite depressed, and very restrictive with food and the things that i could control in my life. The summer of 2019 is not one I will ever forget because of this. 

Canford 

In September i moved to Canford and started a job as a rowing coach. It was kind of a saving grace really (literally!). All of a sudden I was really busy, and I couldn’t be as restrictive with food because it was all being cooked for me. But that’s when things turned a little darker, and I started using exercise to combat my feelings (even though my hip was nowhere near ready for it). I struggled with pain for a good few months because of this as well as the active nature of the job. But slowly things did start to get better and by christmas (Now nearly 2 years since first injury trauma) I started to feel more normal. 

So what’s happening now? 

Since December 2019 I have gradually built up my tolerance of rowing. But every time i got on the machine i questioned whether i should be doing this or not. And every time I had a new block to sit on, a new wedge under one side of the footplate, and I was trying different ways of moving to see what my hips and back didn’t mind doing. I adapted everything to find ways around my numerous injuries. If i’m honest, my body didn’t like what I was doing, but gradually the mileage increased and nothing major was going on with my body. Every time i had tried to rehab back before i had hit a certain point where i would have to stop, and i kept surpassing my expectations – So i continued. 

During lock down I spent at least 3 hours a day training via running, cycling, rowing, strength and conditioning. As well as working on my mobility,movement patterns and watching countless physiotherapy videos in an attempt to give myself the best possible chance. Recently I’ve got back in my boat and things have felt the most normal since my very first injury encounter. I still have pain, but it’s nothing like what I’ve been through. 

What I’ve learnt

Rowing is more than a sport. It brought me so much happiness and made me feel liberated. That winning feeling is like no other, and fighting so hard to achieve something makes it so much sweeter when you do eventually get there. But injury has taught me so much more. It taught me how much sport means to me, how ingrained in my DNA it really is. How to cope with things, how to pick yourself up time and time again and how to relate to people. It’s opened my eyes to the world around me. Not everything goes to plan sometimes but it’s how you start over and move in a different direction that makes the difference between stagnation and progress. If something means enough to you, you will always find a different route, even if it takes two or three times as long to get there.

I hope you have gained some insight into my journey. My aim now is to help people through similar situations from drawing on my own experiences.

Much Love

G x